Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Faith. I've been viewing George Michael's version on YouTube, because I used it as a trope in story. In the song, Faith is about expecting better, thinking you deserve better, holding out for more.

Right this second, Jed and I having a contest. Can he, with his funny ways, cheer me up before I bring him down? I can see the dark side of everything. I tell people that I'm a little bit evil, like Donny's a little bit rock and roll. What, you weren't born when that show was on TV? Great, now I feel lots better.

I don't remember ever believing in God. The CCD teachers, my strongly religious father, my devout grandmother, all seemed superstitious and illogical in their beliefs. No meat on Friday during lent? Holy water? They could never answer a question like, was Mary a virgin her whole life or only until Jesus was born? I mean, come on, doesn't God love Joseph too?

I did like the pretty white first communion dress, though, with the veil. My aunt Ruth, who died in 1989, made it for me. She also made my favorite kindergarten dress, a purple and green pinafore that I looked very sweet in. I miss her. I'd love to believe she's up in heaven, with my two grandpas and Angel, Muffin, Skippy and Cleo, our family's lost pets. I don't though.

A friend believes the universe sets her up for things, wants her to take this job or that job, be with this guy or that guy. I personally don't think the universe cares much one way or another. It reminds me of the way my brother used to leave the room when the Bills were winning; he was a jinx, he said. Or the way people make little vows, if I don't swear all day long, the Sabres will make the playoffs.

I really hate "it was meant to be." What kind of a plan has my grandfather, a gentle man his entire life, die strapped in a hospital bed, because he had alzheimer's? What kind of plan mows down my Aunt Millie with a brain tumor a year after she retired. Was anyone helped because she lost the ability to walk and eat without assistance? Some things are tragedies, and all we can do is mourn them.

The thing is, I don't want to not see the dark side. I think writers need to see the dark side. In that same story, I also used a bit of a Smiths song, and was thrilled to find a lot of their stuff on YouTube, since I haven't been able to get it on iTunes. One thing that really surprised was how many comments there were expressing disbelief that Morrissey is gay. He has a girlfriend, they say. Yes, but she's in a coma. Or she's in the basement with him, alone, and he doesn't know what to do with her. Or, she's a fat girl saying if you'd like you can marry me and if you'd like you can buy the ring...from the song, William, it was really nothing (it was your life). I think these commenters were naive. Some people need happy endings, of the Meg Ryan-Kate Hudson variety. They don't want to be reminded of all the darkness in the world.

But, for me, there's no trick in that. The trick is finding something to believe in while the darkness has you pinned to the mat, because that is the only way you will ever get up. And for me the answer is other people. Especially the ones who come through when the worst happens, even if you don't deserve it. And the ones who root for you and, especially, the ones who make you laugh.

Jed won our little bet easily. Good for him.